My Spiritual Autobiography

The candle is lit, surrounding the room with the warm smell of white pumpkin. The chair squeaks as I settle at the table, breathing deeply, opening my heart to the Divine. I surrender to this familiar rhythm, anticipation building at the new awareness I am about to receive. I am facing windows that welcome the glow of sunshine in the space, and my wind chime offers comforting sounds as the breeze blows. This is how I begin my meditations and prayer. This process over the past couple of months has bestowed a gift in the idea of re-member-ing. As stated in Inner Compass by Margaret Silf, the art of re-member-ing is bringing together that which has been fragmented or broken. Through the reflection exercises, I have held my past with more grace and love, the present with more awareness, and the future with anticipation and hope, recognizing the beauty of God throughout. 

            One of the most beneficial reflections involved my family, encompassing the context of my birth, the context for what I inherited, and the stories in my family. My family sat around the dinner table and shared memories, passing around my baby book. Through this experience, I was overcome with the realization of how truly loved and wanted I am by my family. My mom wrote my milestones in my baby calendar for the first year of my life, documenting my first taste of ice cream, first laugh, and first steps. My brother remembered singing to me, describing the feeling of protection he felt for me. My grandmother shared pictures and memories of the women in my life, dragging out old newspaper clippings and calling aunts to confirm facts. As I began the ancestor meditation, themes started to rise that came from deep within me; the innate love and power of family, the desire to serve through cooking and caring for others, and the inner strength to serve God. I stood during my meditation, arms at my side, strong yet humble, with a smile of love on my face. The stories of my family bring laughter. The stories circle around different things like the superstition of eating an onion a day to keep the doctor away, flying down hills in Mamaw’s red wagon, and our competitive family game nights. Throughout these stories were whispers of God's love and faithfulness, reminding me of the immense blessing and support of my family. These meditations left me with thankfulness and gratitude for God’s presence and faithfulness in my family.

            The other meditations provided me time to sit with my history, contemplating the emerging patterns in my life. I was reminded of the places and people that impacted my faith; usually, the area was in nature and the people missionaries. I explored my evolving faith and the new freedom I experience with God the Mother as I open myself up, letting go of control, rules, and my black and white thinking. Images revealed their potential to help me view my faith and God in a new and powerful way. I examined my call and looked deeply at where I came from and where I desire to go. A challenge came when I began to search myself and my personality. To witness my darkness, experience my fear, wrestle with my doubt, caused feelings of resistance within me. Yet there is beauty in new awareness, and I began the process of disarming the darkness with the light of truth. I am reminded, over and over again, of God’s grace, freely given, that I must intentionally accept. I will continue this resurrection process for the rest of my life, surrendering my darkness to God, receiving forgiveness and grace, and being born again.  

            This experience proved beneficial to my spiritual journey. I feel more grounded in myself, who I am, where I came from, and the destination God is calling me to. My spiritual director and our continued monthly sessions aided in this process and development of self. Out of this experience, my timeline was born. My timeline is a picture of my hands holding a bowl of kintsugi pottery. Kintsugi is the ancient Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by piecing the broken parts with gold lacquer, emphasizing the beauty of the factures instead of hiding them. The fractures in the pottery illustrate my brokenness healed by the Divine. My hands are held by the hands of my parents, representing my history of origin along with the masculine and feminine characters of God. Inside the pottery bowl, is a pinecone from the Redwood forest. The Redwood trees are some of the tallest trees in the world, growing to amazing heights. The trees grow in clusters by intertwining thier roots with other trees to help ground them in the earth. Once a red wood tree dies it is used as a host to new trees. The pinecone symbolizes the continuous and necessary cycle of life, death, and rebirth, which I will be participating in throughout my entire journey. The pinecone represents my spiritual journey of growth and new life.  This image speaks to my past, present, and future…my journey…my spiritual autobiography.